Acceptance can be hard.
I had a sobering moment a few days ago. I have had a hard time trying to write about it, and it is still hard. But, I'm hoping by putting it all into words, I can help myself achieve the level of acceptance that I need right now.
Nora has been teething. I feel like her emotions and mini-tantrums have rubbed off on me, and it was very hard the other day. My sobering moment had Nora in her pack 'n' play, screaming (for what seemed like no reason to me, but as I have learned in the last few days, teething sucks just as much for her as it does for me), while I stood in the bathroom having a staring contest with myself. What I saw was hard for me to actually see, because it was a ton of raw, ugly emotion that I didn't want to acknowledge.
Ugly. Uncaring. Angry. Pissed off. Unpretty. Worn thin. Fat. Whale. Disfigured. Frumpy. Alone. Frustrated. Sad. Depressed. Incompetent. Bad influence.
The list in my head was much larger than this a few days ago. Those are the ones that have resonated. The list doesn't describe a single good thing about myself. And that was a HUGE wake up call, especially when Nora quit her fit, and sat there in silence staring at me with her big, blue eyes. It was like she was asking me what was wrong.
My daughter will no doubt face her own demons about her body someday; she will be different, even if it is only a slight difference. Younger children do not generally have censors. Teenagers are flat out cruel. If I cannot look at myself in the mirror and find a single good thing about myself on a really bad day, how am I going to teach my daughter as she grows up to love herself, accept herself? That a different belly button does not define who she is? That her brain and heart are more defining features in life than a body shape or physical characteristic?
Keep in mind, this was a very difficult day, after a slew of multiple sucktastic days. There is more than enough going on around me that influences how I feel than I care to admit. And Nora teething isn't the sole excuse for a slight breakdown- it has been only a sprinkle on the frosted cupcake of life (and one of the few things I feel like sharing right now).
So here is one of my first steps to accepting myself and the things happening around me. My list of things that I can say I feel are good attributes.
Headstrong. Fierce when necessary. Clever. Creative. Supportive. Mom.
Right now, my list is small. I'm working on it. It'll take me time, but I'll get to a good place that I will feel confident in setting a good example for my own child.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
I do not get paid for the work I do, and I am okay with that. (Why, yes, this is going to be a little bit of a rant...)
So, let's talk about that for a minute, and why I can so boldly make the above statement.
One. I am a full time mother, and I chose it. Mothering a child is a full time job, regardless if you have a paying job. As mothers we become many things, which we usually have no experience with until that baby comes home from the hospital. However, I do not believe mothers should be paid to be mothers. A mother's pay is snuggles and sloppy kisses, and unconditional love. And that is sufficient.
Two. I am a volunteer. Note, I say volunteer. I am the Parent Support Coordinator for Avery's Angels® Gastroschisis Foundation. I help parents who are just learning that their children will be born with gastroschisis find support with parents who have already been through their journey, or are in a comfortable place to be able to provide support to another family while addressing their own families needs. The support is not limited to expectant parents, however; support is available to anyone affected by gastroschisis whether they are parents, grandparents, or survivors themselves.
This position I have volunteered for can be tedious and time consuming. I am always on my phone, texting and emailing with people for the organization, keeping tabs on the things I am responsible for. I agreed to do this without pay, even if the skills and time I am utilizing are worthy of a paid position.
I choose to do this because I believe in it. My daughter's life has been shaped by gastroschisis, and she has been very lucky. I want other families to hold on strong, and sometimes they need help finding their strength to do so. I have committed to this, it is my job- regardless if I am paid. I report to those who have higher authority, I have time frames to follow, and I have a level of professionalism that I must keep.
Would you go to a job interview, land a job, and then flake on it? If you just answered that question with a 'yes', you may leave now.
With any job, you must hold a level of professionalism. Paid or unpaid. Following a dress code, rules, regulations, and keeping a professional face for the public eye. I can get away with wearing my pajamas, messy hair, and smelling of B.O. while I am checking my emails because you cannot see me. My professionalism is shown in my words. Now, if I am ever put in the situation of needing to speak to someone face to face, I promise I am clean smelling and dressed for the public eye ;).
Sorry, this post is sort of a rant today. I did tell you that I would be writing about some things not necessarily about Nora. Sometimes a momma needs to rant and vent, ya know?
So, let's talk about that for a minute, and why I can so boldly make the above statement.
One. I am a full time mother, and I chose it. Mothering a child is a full time job, regardless if you have a paying job. As mothers we become many things, which we usually have no experience with until that baby comes home from the hospital. However, I do not believe mothers should be paid to be mothers. A mother's pay is snuggles and sloppy kisses, and unconditional love. And that is sufficient.
Two. I am a volunteer. Note, I say volunteer. I am the Parent Support Coordinator for Avery's Angels® Gastroschisis Foundation. I help parents who are just learning that their children will be born with gastroschisis find support with parents who have already been through their journey, or are in a comfortable place to be able to provide support to another family while addressing their own families needs. The support is not limited to expectant parents, however; support is available to anyone affected by gastroschisis whether they are parents, grandparents, or survivors themselves.
This position I have volunteered for can be tedious and time consuming. I am always on my phone, texting and emailing with people for the organization, keeping tabs on the things I am responsible for. I agreed to do this without pay, even if the skills and time I am utilizing are worthy of a paid position.
I choose to do this because I believe in it. My daughter's life has been shaped by gastroschisis, and she has been very lucky. I want other families to hold on strong, and sometimes they need help finding their strength to do so. I have committed to this, it is my job- regardless if I am paid. I report to those who have higher authority, I have time frames to follow, and I have a level of professionalism that I must keep.
Would you go to a job interview, land a job, and then flake on it? If you just answered that question with a 'yes', you may leave now.
With any job, you must hold a level of professionalism. Paid or unpaid. Following a dress code, rules, regulations, and keeping a professional face for the public eye. I can get away with wearing my pajamas, messy hair, and smelling of B.O. while I am checking my emails because you cannot see me. My professionalism is shown in my words. Now, if I am ever put in the situation of needing to speak to someone face to face, I promise I am clean smelling and dressed for the public eye ;).
Sorry, this post is sort of a rant today. I did tell you that I would be writing about some things not necessarily about Nora. Sometimes a momma needs to rant and vent, ya know?
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