Acceptance.

Acceptance can be hard.


I had a sobering moment a few days ago. I have had a hard time trying to write about it, and it is still hard. But, I'm hoping by putting it all into words, I can help myself achieve the level of acceptance that I need right now.


Nora has been teething. I feel like her emotions and mini-tantrums have rubbed off on me, and it was very hard the other day. My sobering moment had Nora in her pack 'n' play, screaming (for what seemed like no reason to me, but as I have learned in the last few days, teething sucks just as much for her as it does for me), while I stood in the bathroom having a staring contest with myself. What I saw was hard for me to actually see, because it was a ton of raw, ugly emotion that I didn't want to acknowledge. 


Ugly. Uncaring. Angry. Pissed off. Unpretty. Worn thin. Fat. Whale. Disfigured. Frumpy. Alone. Frustrated. Sad. Depressed. Incompetent. Bad influence.


The list in my head was much larger than this a few days ago. Those are the ones that have resonated. The list doesn't describe a single good thing about myself. And that was a HUGE wake up call, especially when Nora quit her fit, and sat there in silence staring at me with her big, blue eyes. It was like she was asking me what was wrong.


My daughter will no doubt face her own demons about her body someday; she will be different, even if it is only a slight difference. Younger children do not generally have censors. Teenagers are flat out cruel. If I cannot look at myself in the mirror and find a single good thing about myself on a really bad day, how am I going to teach my daughter as she grows up to love herself, accept herself? That a different belly button does not define who she is? That her brain and heart are more defining features in life than a body shape or physical characteristic?


Keep in mind, this was a very difficult day, after a slew of multiple sucktastic days. There is more than enough going on around me that influences how I feel than I care to admit. And Nora teething isn't the sole excuse for a slight breakdown- it has been only a sprinkle on the frosted cupcake of life (and one of the few things I feel like sharing right now). 


So here is one of my first steps to accepting myself and the things happening around me. My list of things that I can say I feel are good attributes.


Headstrong. Fierce when necessary. Clever. Creative. Supportive. Mom.


Right now, my list is small. I'm working on it. It'll take me time, but I'll get to a good place that I will feel confident in setting a good example for my own child.